“Fifty percent of all first marriages, 70% of second marriages, 90% of subsequent marriages will end up in divorce,” according to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology.
Marriages are not the only relationships going sour. Many people quit jobs because of a boss or trouble with co-workers. Kids have problems in school getting along with classmates. Bonds between friends and family members are abruptly broken…
Relationships across the board are suffering because we have forgotten the basics of how to treat people.
In looking at our own failed relationships it is often easier to point out where the other person went wrong…(we humans can be so proud and arrogant). The truth is, just as it takes two to tango, it takes two to damage a relationship.
Many relationships go downhill because we expect people to be like us, to handle situations the way we would, to respond the way we would, and/or behave the way we think they should. (we humans seem to like to fix, change, and/or impose our will on others…which again comes from arrogance and pride).
People are who they are. We cannot change or fix them to meet our needs or expectations. We must deal with people and accept them as they are! This does not mean to accept being mistreated, disrespected, or hurt. This means accept the fact that the only person you can change is you. (while you cannot change others, a change in you might inspire, influence, or spark a change in others…hence, “Be The Change You Wish To See In The World”).
Identifying our own areas of opportunity is more important and more valuable than playing the blame game or analyzing the character flaws of others. (We must learn from our mistakes so that we don’t repeat them, but first we must be willing to admit and accept that even we make mistakes).
An important and often overlooked factor in establishing, building, maintaining, and/or repairing a relationship is acknowledging that you are not the only person in the relationship. (we humans have a way of making everything about us).
Relationships involve 2 (or more) people. Relationships are a team effort and if a relationship is to be successful all parties must understand that the I My Me Mine mentality does not fly in any relationship. This does not mean that we should lose our identity or individuality. It simply means that we must take into consideration and be concerned not just for our own self interests but the interests of the other person(s) in the relationship. Selfishness and self-centeredness are relationship deal breakers!
Sure-Fire Ways to Improve Relationships:
1. Communication
When we think of communicating we often think of talking. In order to effectively communicate we must not just talk but LISTEN. Take the time to actively listen to what is being said to you. When someone is talking to you focus on what is being said to you…Think about it, repeat it for clarity, and then respond. Communicating is more than debating, giving orders, making accusations, or ranting. Communication is a way to open up dialogue to discuss our feelings, desires, frustrations, and thoughts. Failure to communicate leads to dissension, resentment, misunderstandings, and a build up of negativity. Good open honest communication is key to relationships.
“Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.”
2. The Golden Rule
Treat people the way you want to be treated. Be kind, considerate, respectful, patient, honest, and have empathy.
3. Be Supportive
Offer help, assistance, sympathy, and encouragement. To support by definition is: to hold in position so as to keep from falling, sinking, or slipping. To keep from weakening or failing; to strengthen. Relationships require mutual support. It’s like a checks a balance system to keep us from falling or failing. Support in relationships is team work at its best. T.E.A.M. = Together Everyone Achieves More.
4. Forgive
Let bygones be bygones. Nobody is perfect we all make mistakes. Communicate openly and honestly. If you have an issue discuss it as soon as possible. RESOLVE IT and move on. Holding a grudge hurts you more than it does the person you’re angry with. Relationships with past hurts and mistakes lingering rot from the inside out. Forgive and move on.
5. Take Ownership
If you are wrong admit it. Apologize. Fess up! Take responsibility for your actions or lack thereof.
6. Be Appreciative
A simple thank you goes a long way. Always show and express gratitude for even the smallest gestures.
7. Resist the Urge to Judge
Accept people for who they are without passing judgment.
“Only God can judge me.” —Tupac
“We are not placed on this earth to see through each other, but to see each other through.” — William Kinnaird
“Why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, `Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye,’ and behold, a beam is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.” —Jesus
You make some very good points here. Thank you for such a great post. I have also read that one of the most common causes of arguing in a marriage is because of money related issues – it is good to know that all the time and make sure that you take the effort to communicate clearly with your partner on money related topics before things get stressful. Thanks for sharing!
Quite an interesting post. Things what u said are true. But the matter is ppl don’t try to follow. It is the nature of human.
OH Yes, # 7 is my biggest problem of all time. Yes, its sad, I know.
Oh boy! Guilty on all counts! The trouble is that you can treat people without judgement, be forgiving, be kind and trustworthy and honest and really appreciative and they can still do something that will really hurt you. I suppose that’s going to require some scrutiny and a degree of analysis. If they cheat do you critise yourself not them? Take personal responsibility that they haven’t behaved appropriately and to your expectations? That it’s your fault even for not being all of the above? Sometimes relationships just are not going to work, not because you’re too proud or arrogant, even when you are trying to be the best that you can be, quite right, it takes two, and factors such as principles, morality and consideration have to be shared. Both parties have to try and meet these standards for each other. I absolutely agree to the truths in the points made there, but it’s gotta work both ways.
yea its really sad how many people end up getting divorced… people just dont understand what it takes to have a successful marriage and all the hard work required. 1 of the contributing factors causing this is the porn industries and our lovely hollywood ‘examples’. Its becoming a norm to get divorced after a few years, and becoming less and less of a big deal.
Excellent post. Marriage is like a business. It is something you need to plan, have a vision and mission statement for, and put in plenty of sweat equity.
Most Importantly, you have to really contemplate what it means to take a “vow”.
absolutely with you for the golden rule.
Great write Marenda
Thanks for sharing
I think number 6 is the most important one, we should appreciate each other then only we get to improve relationship
excellent post about relationships. Some times relationships are broken due to some silly reasons. The main of them being communication skills. The other big reason is taking time to show our appreciation for others even if it's a small work.
Take responsibility for your actions or lack thereof.
How interesting are you saying " the persons whose behavior we cant change or fix,we must change our behave according to them…… We can solve many of our problems in this way but each body must adopt this idea in his life… Then we will find that there is nobody angry with any of us.
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That number one tip communication is soo important. A lot of couples I have been with would have gotten along better if they would have just communicated better. Great tips you have listed. They can surely help a relationship or marriage survive.
Totally agree with the first rule…. Communication, Communication, Communication. Without it small issues become nuclear detonations.
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I often see people blame communication for the failure of their relationships. Sometimes the communication is crystal clear and each thinks little of the other. We tend to judge others by their actions and ourselves by our intentions. Let's try that shoe on the other foot and imagine what our actions and expressions appear to be to the other person, and extend that by considering that their intentions were when they did or said what they did. It has been my experience that people are wrapped up in themselves and think little of others, so there may be absolutely nothing personal in what was done to you. As a result, you can learn from it and either choose to understand that this is the nature of your relationship or work to change it. If you choose to work to change it, the key, again, is to work to see the other's point of view and how interaction with yours will affect them. Thus, as I learned in a Dale Carnegie Course 30 years ago, rule number one is that you do NOT criticize them, complain about them, or condemn them. Be patient with others the way you believe you deserve to have patience from others, or wish to. I did enjoy the article, by the way.
I absolutely agree with you on no.1. communication is not just talking, it's both talking & listening – a two way process. and of course no.2 is one of my favorite not only in relationship but in living one's life. It's called Karma, the Law of the Universe.
this is a very good topic and there are lots of people who needs this. I want to take the golden rule "Treat people the way you want to be treated" and place it on everybody's forehead, including mine, like a signage! So that everytime we see those people and we are about to treat them in some manner, we'll stop and think.
If everyone would just stop and remember to apply this golden rule, every misunderstanding will be settled right at the beginning.
Thank you again for sharing this lovely post